Looking back I started thinking about writing these letters in grade 12. I was lucky enough to be chosen to be part of Fellowes High Schools first “Link Crew” (If you signed up you were chosen I wasn’t that special) This program was designed to connect graduating grade 12’s with the incoming grade nine students. Within this program we were offered a leadership class, it was an “easy” class that I knew would bring my GPA up and help me make it THroo the last year of high school smoothly while handling my job, volunteer work and my exchange student. During this class we were assigned to read Me to We by Craig and Marc Kielburger (this was pre -scandal). 

Before I get a head of myself during my time at Fellowes we had suffered the loss of a couple of my classmates it seemed like one a year. As a high school student you are really not trained or taught how to deal with the sudden loss of a member of your community. I remember thinking if I’m next what are people going to say when I’m gone. I will state for the record that I was purposely keeping myself too busy with homework, my part time job and volunteer work to have time to listen to any mental health demons at the time. I also want to say that mental health is nothing to joke about and is very serious topic, heck it’s why I’m sitting here watching reruns of Desperate Housewives on Disney plus and writing these posts to share my mental health and hopefully show how lucky I am to have had people in my life that got me THroo. 

Anyways back to the main topic I was left wondering what will people think when I am gone will they know that what they thought to be little impact was actually a huge impact on my life? 

Anyways back to Link Crew willing working my way through ME to WE and the homework assignments that went along with them I had started writing small one or two paragraph notes to classmates, family members, teachers and other people in my life. I remember in the final interview with my teacher that semester to go over the project he sat there reading the notes with a questioning look on his face  and when he asked about them and said “this wasn’t part of the assignment” 

I told him “I want people to know what impact they had on my life and I feel like this is the best way to do so.” He seemed touched by the sentiment and encouraged me to keep writing them. 

One of the letters I would have written back then was to a teacher named Caroline Doran. 

It is a strange thing when teachers become friends then almost become family. They shelter you from the storms life sends your way and build you up to help reach goals you never thought could happen.

I was in Mx. Doran’s Grade 12 Ancient Civilizations class, a subject you would think would be extremely boring and full of long essays and lots of homework. With my learning disability and the way I learn it was sometimes hard for me to concentrate and write out assignments and do long papers/assignments (probably why I love to cook and became a baker). She was the first teacher I ever had that gave us a “create your own assignment” . It had to be gradable and meet certain criteria but besides that it could be anything. I remember hearing this and getting extremely excited. I rushed home and started on my life size bust of Lucy our first and oldest relative you know the girl.. evolutions first leap to peoplekind. I was proud to present the assignment. I had colour matched her fur from an old buffalo costume we had from when we were kids (Sorry mom) and used plasticine for her face, eyes and chest. In the end it was so life-like they asked to keep it for future classes to teach from. 

Half way through the semester I believe it was winter break Mx. Doran had told the class she and her husband were going to Greece. I popped up and said “Bring me back a rock!’ It was my way of saying remember me when you are there. It’s a cheap way of allowing someone to say hey I thought of you and brought this back. It may be weird but it is who I am. 

When classes returned Mx. Doran asked me to stay after class… I thought “oh crap what did I do” She handed me a little paper envelope and said “here Patrick and I brought this back for you”. I got excited thinking wow she actually thought of me ??? also that’s a pretty fancy way to bring a rock back. To my surprise It was a glass evil eye on a cord that I could wear around my neck. She said they saw it and thought of me as it was meant to protect the wearer from negative energy.

Let me tell you there was magic in that evil eye, (not the Halliwell magic like on my favorite show Charmed) but magic nonetheless. You see I’m a firm believer in you get what you put into things, and when I got that evil eye the thing that was supposed to watch over me, I thought to myself this is going to get me THroo the rest of high school, It is going to protect me and help me find my way. If I am being honest I still pull the evil eye out from time to time when I am having a hard time blocking out the negative energy and those thoughts that say “your just not good enough” Take this past week for example I just wasn’t feeling myself, if you would have asked me in November, 2022 was the best year ever, but from December 31st to now my mind has just been playing this “you could have done more nonsense” In reality its been tough so out came the evil eye. 🙂

Looking back now it is more like Caroline and my other teachers and friends that protected me and helped me find my way. Kept me safe, made sure I was heading in the right direction getting me THroo what most refer to as the worst years of their lives. I had friends but being closeted i never really opened up to may people ex: If anyone was looking through my years books grade 12 I had 2 signatures…

Caroline if this ever gets to you know that from the beginning I felt like you were/are one of this people the world put in my path to meet and connect with. In the years after highschool I crossed paths with you and your family a couple times at the gym, then we would connect often at the end of the day at Wilkies. I had let the staff go home and you would come in completely unexpectedly on your way home from school and chat which sometimes it always seemed to happen when I needed those chats the most. Later when I had the clothing store and my marriage had ended and things were not looking too great you invited me to dinner with your family. Again you some how knew what I needed to get THroo and simply smiled and helped me THroo to the other side. 

We always ended up having these conversations that I’m sure is like watching two tornadoes collide and I am sure appears very chaotic. But when I am in conversation with you, everything is clicking and I feel like one, I am being seen and two, I am being heard. Let me tell you, that is a profound feeling. You have been able to understand me from day one. 

I had actually asked Caroline during one of these conversations “Hey did you know I was gay in highschool? Why did you get me the evil eye?”

Her simple reply was “Well you asked for a rock” and gave me the classic Caroline Doran smile then continued with “I know you were special and I wanted you to know that you mattered and were seen”

So Caroline if you’re reading this Thank you for getting me THroo